


Deities & Devilments

by RainbowHailstorm



Category: Ancient Greek Religion & Lore
Genre: Everyone Is (Kinda) Alive, Gen, Humor, I Cannot Think Of Any More Tags, I wrote this instead of studying, Inaccurate Ancient Greek Religion & Lore, Inaccurate Representation Of Deities, Lowkey An AU But Not Really, Multi, lowkey fluff, no beta reader we die like men, nobody is straight
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:54:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28238034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RainbowHailstorm/pseuds/RainbowHailstorm
Summary: Some Greek deities vibe on Olympus and try to not accidentally let the apocalypse break out.Shenanigans ensue and some whacky stuff starts happening.
Relationships: Achilles/Patroclus, Adonis/Aphrodite, Apollo/Hyacinthus, Athena/Hestia, Hades/Charon, Hera/Demeter, Leuce/Minthe, Narcissus/Dionysus, Persephone/Hecate
Kudos: 15





	1. Everyone's A Little Gay For Apollo

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, so...  
> I wrote this story as a joke. So please, don't take it too seriously lmao.  
> I actually didn't wanted to publish this crap, but a friend of mine bribed me, so here I am. :)  
> While I wrote, I had class tests and essays and homework and everything breathing down my neck, so I sincerely apologize if this entire story is rushed, inaccurate and illogical af. I legit can't concentrate if I'm under pressure, but that's now the internet's problem.  
> Also English isn't my native language, so sorry, if there are any grammar or spelling mistakes.  
> Anyway, I'mma go study now.  
> Bye, I guess?  
> See y'all in the next chapter???

"The fuck do you mean, 'Apollo won', huh?!"

Almost crying with laughter, Artemis tried to explain: "Remember that... that bet you two made?"

The goddess slicked back her brown hair, looking at Ares in anticipation. "What bet? I literally have no idea what you're talking about.", the god spoke, rolling his eyes when she laughed even more. "Okay, now you're just pretending to be stupid.", she complained, "But anyways, the-"

"It's 'anyway'."

"What?"

"Nothing. _Anyway_ , what is it? Tell me about that dumb, supposedly bet. I don't remember shit.", Ares urged to know. Again, the goddess started to giggle. "So... like, two weeks ago, you made that bet with my brother. You gossiped about Hades and how he definitely has a crush on Persephone, remember? Then Apollo said something like, 'yeah, I am sure that these two will be a couple at the end of the month or sooner'. You disagreed, for some reason - probably jealousy. So, the bet came to life. And Apollo won. Since it took only one and a half week for Persephone and Hades to reveal that they already were a couple."

Silence fell. Ares seemed to think about it, ere he remembered. "Shit! You're right...", he called out, "But I don't think it counts. I mean, at that point, they already _were_ together. The bet was that they _get_ together at the end of the month, or sooner. Y'know, what I mean?"

Artemis snickered. A malignant sparkle lit up in her forest green eyes. "Oh, of course the bet counts! I'm sure Apollo thinks so too.", she spoke mischievously, "In fact, why don't we go and ask him?"

The god frantically shook his head. "How about we don't? I mean, Apollo probably forgot, so it doesn't matter anyway.", he declined, looking around for someone he knew so that he could pretend that said someone asked him to help with something, to shake the annoying goddess off.

But unfortunately, no one was seen. To this time of the day, there were barely any deities walking around on Olympus. So, Ares had no choice. "...and also, I know exactly that you have a crush on Apollo, so that's another reason to visit him.", the goddess spoke, even though Ares wasn't really paying attention. Well, he wasn't, until Artemis said that crush-thing.

"Wha- okay, listen, you little sh- _I. don't. have. a crush. on. Apollo._ "

"Of course, you do. I mean, didn't we all kinda had a crush on him, at some point?"

Ares stopped, to think about it.

"...okay, that's... actually kinda true.", he admitted. Triumphantly, Artemis snickered. "See? You have a crush on him.", she insisted. The god rolled his eyes. "That's not what I said.", he muttered sheepishly. "Oh, but it's what you meant. Change my mind. Spoiler-Alert; you can't.", the goddess countered, giggling when Ares shoved her aside. 

"I meant, as in... it kinda makes sense, you know? So many people love or loved him, at some point. Women, men, other people... they all adore him. It's like a conspiracy. Like a cult. I wonder, why so many people are smitten by him...", the god questioned, "Guess that's another mystery to solve."

Swiftly, Artemis nodded. "Exactly! And that's _another_ reasons, why we should visit the sun palace.", she insisted. Ares rolled his eyes, crossing his arms and looking around.

Ere he gave up. A defeated sigh escaped him, when he said: "Alright, fine. Let's go." Artemis' face lit up. But still, she looked like she was planning something evil. "Then, what are we waiting for? Let's go settle the bet and solve some mysteries!", she spoke glowingly, already setting off towards the way to the sun palace.

Ares sighed again. He knew that the goddess plotted something whacky. And he regretted it already.


	2. One Of Many Reasons Why Hermes Is A Prick

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey there, demons, it's me, ya [REDACTED].  
> I got nothing to say for myself, except that it's not my fault.
> 
> Anyway, it's like, 2am in my timeline, so I'mma go study now.  
> See y'all in the next chapter (hopefully-).

The Sun Palace was a place in the nature domain of the Olymp. It was a very far and problematic way to get there, which is why most deities simply asked Hecate, the goddess of magic and withcraft, to teleport them there. To reach the palace of the sun god, his sister and Ares had a plan; first, they had to cross the river Styx to reach the underworld. There, they would find Hecate who could teleport the two deities to the palace. Well... hopefully, at least.

And so, Artemis and Ares stood on the shore of the river, waiting for Charon, the ferryman, to arrive.

Unfortunately, there were some... _minor inconveniences_ going on..

* * *

"Now, buddy, hold up for just a second... Hermes did _what_ with the _what now_?"

The god of the Underworld sighed, tearing at his long, black hair in desperation. "I don't have time to explain!", he wailed, glaring at the ferryman with frustration, "Just... trust me and bring me to Olympus."

"I'm legally not allowed to, buddy. Sorry. Also, I still don't get, what Hermes has done.", Charon countered monotonously. Hades sighed. Ere he had an idea. "Alright, listen... how about I tell you what happened and you bring me to Olympus. Because if you know that it's an actual emergency, you have no choice, right?", he suggested hopefully.

The ferryman let out a sigh, considering the Underworld god's plan. "If I'm getting my ass whipped because of you, I'm actually going to throw you into Tartarus.", he finally spoke, pointing at the free seats of his boat. Hades' face lit up with gratitude. Swiftly, he climped into the boat and took a seat. "Charon, I swear, thank you _so_ much! Seriously, dude, I owe you one. You can't even _imagine_ , how you're saving my entire existence wi-"

"Alright, alright, chill, no need to get toady. One simple 'thanks' is enough.", Charon interrupted, sighing.

The boat set off. Hades looked back at the shore, hoping that no one will notice his disappearance - and that Hecate is trustworthy enough to not snitch on him. "Anyway. I still want to know, what Hermes did again.", the ferryman broke the silence, abruptly interrupting the other god's thoughts. "Oh, yeah, right.", Hades spoke, "So, I was just chilling there, minding my own business, sending souls on their way to Tartarus or not, just, casual stuff, y'know? Out of thin ass air, this small bastard child bursts through the door, zooms across the entire hall, makes a mess and just, rips the list of souls out of my hands. Then, he's gone again. And I sit there, like a moron, without the list. Quickly, I realize the problem: hey. Without this darn list, I can't assign the souls their place. How do I know which soul goes to heaven and which soul doesn't?"

Silence fell. The underworld god sighed defeated. "And that's why I _urgently_ need to find Hermes.", he finished.

For a long time, they both didn't say anything. Charon had his back turned towards Hades, which is why his expressions were a mystery for the Underworld god. "So? Any thoughts?", the god wanted to know, waiting for the ferryman's answer. Still, there was this awkward quietness. _He probably doesn't care_ , Hades thought, _He doesn't care about anything at all_.

But then, something surprising happened.

Charon _laughed_.

First, it was just a silent giggle. But it grew. And suddenly, he almost fell from the boat from laughter. "I'm... oh, geez, Hades, I'm sorry, but this is literally the _funniest shit I've ever heard_!"


	3. Side Quest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back with my bullshit.  
> I have nothing to say for myself tbh.  
> Yes, I didn't planned on writing this story further. I actually wanted to stop at two chapters. But guess what. My friend bribed me again. So, here we are.
> 
> Luca, if you're reading this; I detest you so much, it's unreal.

"Well. Looks, like Charon has better shit to do. So, why don't we go back and carry on with our life? And never talk about the bet again?"

"Because it's _important_."

The god of war sighed. "It literally isn't.", he muttered desperately. Artemis rolled her green eyes. "It literally is.", she countered, kicking some rocks and pebbles across the gravelly ground. A few seconds passed, ere Ares started walking back and forth. "I don't get it! He's usually here, by now.", he complained, ere his eyes grew wide, "Maybe something happened!"

"Like what?", the goddess of wilderness wanted to know. She didn't seem to care at all, even though she was actually getting slightly worried. Maybe Ares was right and Charon _is_ in trouble... "I don't know... maybe something escaped Tartarus and attacked. Maybe the entire Underworld is getting wrecked, as we speak!", the god theorized, ambling across the shore, just to look around. The river was calmly flowing its way through the gravel, not a single wave was seen. "The river's suspiciously quiet.", Ares muttered.

Artemis let out a snicker. "What do you want it to do? Talk?", she mocked, laughing when the god groaned in annoyance. "This is serious.", he insisted. The goddess' giggling got even more eager, when she spoke: "Don't you mean... _sea_ rious?"

An exasperated sigh escaped the god. He glared at Artemis, who just started laughing even more. "You're an actual clown, Arty.", he muttered. The goddess nodded, a wide smile tugged on her lips. "I once asked Zeus if he could make me the goddes of the clowns.", she countered.

"And? What did he do?"

She looked to the ground, giggling. "He said that being a clown is already Zephyrus' job."

The god of war fought a snicker, looking away from Artemis, so that she couldn't triumph about the fact that she almost made Ares laugh. "I mean... he's not necessarily _wrong_ , is he?", he muttered. Immediately, the goddess almost cried from laughter again. Now, even Ares couldn't resist a slight smile. He almost forgot that he was actually annoyed at the goddess next to him.

Unfortunately, the fun didn't last long. Because suddenly, there were voices.

Abruptly, Artemis and Ares shut up. They exchanged glances. The goddess of war pointed down the river, since the sounds came from that direction. Ares nodded. Cautiously, he sneaked over the shore, towards the slope that actually led back to Olympus. Artemis followed her friend, ready to protect if something attacked. Even though that wasn't necessary - because when the two deities arrived at the end of the slope, they saw to whom the voices belonged; an orcish-looking guy with grey hair, wearing dark brown robes and a guy who looked like he has no idea what colors, other than black, are.

Artemis recognized them as Charon and Hades.

Ares recognized them as criminals.

Before the two deities could say anything at all, Hades spoke up: "Alright, so... we can explain."

"No, _we_ can't.", Charon muttered under his breath. The god of the Underworld shot him a glare, ere he looked back at the other two deities. "So, I know, I'm not allowed to leave my office because assigning souls and stuff. And I know Charon isn't allowed to leave his boat either. _But_... it's an emergency.", he said cautiously, trying his best to not get in more trouble than he already was.

Suspiciously, Ares stared at him, considering if he should snitch at Hades or not. Finally, he decided against it. "What kind of emergency?", the god of war wanted to know instead.

Charon bit back a chuckle. "Here we go again.", he whispered. Ignoring the ferryman, Hades sighed. "So, I was just chilling there, minding my business...", he started, ere Charon cut him off. "Hermes stole the soul list, which is why we have to find him.", he explained the short version of the whole story.

Before Artemis could do anything, Ares nodded. "We'll find him.", he said. The goddess shot him a glare and shook here head. "We'll find him.", the god of war insisted. Artemis rolled her eyes, frustratedly throwing her hands up and walking away. "Why do I even try?", she muttered.

"Yeah, anyway... you two can go back to your jobs. Hades, just pretend to to something, so that nobody notices that you don't have the list. We're going to find that rascal in no time, I promise.", Ares spoke to the other two, ere setting off towards Olympus, "Yeah, anyway, see you, bye."

Swiftly, he caught up to the goddess of wilderness. "Alright. Guess, we have to solve this side quest first.", he uttered, "What a pity. Thoughts and prayers, really. It's _soooo_ sad that we can't visit Apollo."

The goddess rolled her eyes in annoyance. "Just you wait", she snarled, a triumphant grin tugged on her lips, "Once we find Hermes, nothing will stop us from going to the Sun Palace, come hell or high water."


	4. Even More Reasons Why Hermes Is A Prick

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all, I studied for a solid nine hours today. And I actually understood the shit I learned. Please, be proud of me.  
> Anyway, three class tests are coming for my face this week, so sorry if I don't upload that often lmao.
> 
> With that said: bye, see you in the next chapters. (hopefully-)

Unfortunately, Hermes was nowhere to be found.

Ares and Artemis looked everywhere; on Olympus, in the Underworld - heck, they even checked, if he were with the mortals. But nope; it was impossible to find him. 

The god of war walked back and forth, tearing on his dark grey hair. "I don't get it...", he whispered, looking around, "Where is that guy?"

The two of them were walking through Olympus, occasionally asking a passing-by deity if they had seen Hermes. Eventually, they stopped to brainstorm where the god could be.

"Alright, he's not in the Underworld, he's not with the mortals, he's not in Demeter's domain, he's not with Poseidon and the nymphs...", Artemis listed with finest concentration, "...where did we forgot to look, Ares?"

Cluelessly, the adressed shrugged his shoulders. "Maybe we go to Hecate and ask her if she ca-", he started, when suddenly, the goddess gasped. "My dude!", she yelled out, with widened eyes, "I know, where he is!"

* * *

Meanwhile, hell was breaking loose in the Underworld. Annoyed ghosts were flying around, complaining about how they finally wanted to be sent to heaven. Some were trying to escape the rocky walls of the Decision Hall - the hall, in which all the souls got their place assigned to them. A few of the died souls were confronting Hades with questions, like "am I going to hell?", "are you the devil?", or the classic "why the fuck am I here?". Luckily, most of the ghosts were just waiting in line, because they weren't assholes. But still, it were many souls who confronted the god of the Underworld - almost too many.

At some point, the Hall started to over flow with the ghosts of dead people who just wanted to go to heaven. Hades had to leave the room. Swiftly, he set off to Charon, who luckily just arrived at the shore. "Charon", the god of the Underworld called out immediately, "Buddy, I need your help."

The ferryman sighed, climbing out of his boat. "What is it?", he demanded to know. Hades looking back to the gate of the Decision Hall, making sure that no soul was clever enough to just walk out of the door and escape. "I need your help.", he whispered. Charon nodded. "Yeah, you said that already.", he muttered, already looking annoyed.

"There are too many souls, dude... it's... it's horrific! The entire Hall is flooding with all the souls and I can't assign them a place because Ares and Artemis still didn't find Hermes and I hate my life because those ghosts all confront me and ask questions and cry about how they miss their life and I can't do anyth-"

"Whoa. Okay. Now, hold on a minute.", the ferryman stopped the sheer endless rants of the god. He sighed deeply and looked around. When he looked back at Hades, he realized that he had never seen the god of the Underworld so desperate and helpless before. Normally, he always had solutions for all kinds of problems. But now? It seemed to actually... overwhelm him.

Charon probably wouldn't admit it, but he actually felt sorry for Hades. "Look, I can't help you with the souls, and all that heaven-and-Tartarus shit.", he said, looking past the god, to the door to the Hall. Voices were heard from inside the Hall. Angry voices. Desperate voices. "But at least, I can say that I'm sure that Ares and Artemis will show up in no time. Hermes is a tricky little shit. But Artemis is trickier. She's literally the goddess of hunt and shit, so I'm sure, she'll be able to find him.", the ferryman spoke further, turning around to look across the flowing river. "It's been, like, an hour. It's just... I'm starting to get worried. What if they don't find Hermes? I mean, I'm sure he'd give the soul list back sooner or later anyway. But... still. The souls start to amass already. In just a few hours, the entire Underworld will be flooded.", Hades worried. He looked to the ground, trying hard not to look like a toddler who cries around because of some silly inconvenience.

Rolling his black eyes in vexation, the ferryman stepped closer to the god. "Hades", he said mellowly, "Look at me."

Agitatedly, the god looked up, full of despair and cluelessness and fear. "Don't worry. It's all going to be fine, I'm sure. As long as you have the souls under control, everything's okay. Artemis and Ares will show up soon, I'm convinced they will. Until then, I believe in you and the fact that you won't let anything bad happen to the Underworld. Since you're its god, and all. So, please; don't worry your ass off. It won't change anything anyway.", Charon spoke, trying to sound at least a little bit encouraging.

To his surprise, his words seemed to work. A small and frail, but honest smile tugged on the corners of the god's lips. "Thanks.", he muttered.

Ere the ferryman could counter anything, something shattered inside of the Decision Hall. People yelled. "Holy shit. You better get back in there, before those souls start trying to murder each other.", Charon adviced, worriedly looking to the door. Hades nodded, already setting off. "Yeah, I better get those ghosts under control before they decide to re-enact the Trojan War.", he said swiftly. The ferryman let out a chuckle.

Before the god could disappear inside of the Hall, he turned to Charon. "Also, thanks again.", he muttered.

The ferryman rolled his eyes. "Yeah, you said that already."


End file.
